20 Things I Have Learned Since Starting My Ordination Journey

This is probably going to be part. 1. Of several.

I think.

Anyway. Here we go.

WARNING: Naughty words ahead.

1. God chooses you. If you choose God then the whole thing gets better.
   
2. Don't run away. God's call is a bit like a zombie horde. It will catch up and consume you in the end.
   
3. Theology is not formed in text books. It is formed in experience and understanding.
   
4. Insights can be gleaned from anywhere. So keep your eyes sharp.
   
5. God likes sending messengers in unlikely disguises. Mine tend to be geeky guys.
   
6. Toss out the Old Testament. It's only there for the blockbuster moments.
   
7. Toss out most of the New Testament. It's out of context anyway.
8. Stick to the two commandments Jesus gave. If what you do doesn't follow either of them then don't do it.
   
9. If I believed the Bible was the exact and literal word of God; then God would be genocidal, petty, bigoted, jealous child.
   
10. God is none of these things.
    
11. God doesn't like you putting him in a box. God escapes out the corners.
    
12. We have put our own projections on God. Let's get rid of that nasty habit eh?
    
13. Rowan Williams should grow a pair and get the fence post out his arse.
    
14. God spent 6 Billion years getting us to where we are today. Consider that thought for a moment.
    
15. Consecrating a Bishop should be an issue of suitability not sexuality.
    
16. Priest is a dirty word. Let's give it a srping clean.
    
17. The Scottish Episcopal Church needs to stop lying down & taking a good kicking. Let's kick back and show them what we are made of.
    
18. Humour scares people. Especially when it makes them face up to their bigotry.
    
19. There's place for the Church & the Gospel Message in today's society. The Church needs to find it again.
    
20. Forward in Faith = People without enough balls to admit they don't want to be Roman Catholic because they like being married too much.

I don't mean to sound cruel, uncaring and intolerant of bigots, but I am so that's how it comes out.

We are creatures evolved under Gods watchful eye to be loving. We were left a commandment to love by Jesus. How difficult is it not to be consumed by bigotry & predujice?

20 Things I Have Leared In Working In Customer Service.

1. It's all your fault.
   
2. It's not you they are angry at, your just the person on the end of the phone.
   
3. The variable scale of upset. Some people need their retuned.
   
4. Don't Joke. Don't ever joke.
   
5. "They can see you smiling" is a load of rubbish. I can fake it no problem.
   
6. Flowers maketh the day. Lose them and you might as well chuck the whole shebang!
   
7. Look out for those unexpected moments of bonding.
   
8. The calls that come in at 3 minutes before your shift ends are sometimes the most rewarding. Or the tear inducingly petty.
   
9. Be wary of titles.
   
10. Try and assure people that taking things personally is a bad way to go.
    
11. Learn to be omnipotent.
    
12. Learn magic to make deliveries magically appear.
13. Leave sarcasm and irony at the door.
    
14. Let me hear you say "Let's get petty!"
    
15. The customer using bad language is not an invitation for you to use. It's an exclusive club.
    
16. Guard thy sighs.
    
17. Enjoy the little things like a slow computer. It means you'll take less calls before you go home.
    
18. Savour your breaks. Treat them like an escape bunker.
    
19. At the end of your shift burst out the centre with joy!
    
20. Remember you are doing it all again tomorrow!
    

20 Things I Have Learned Growing Up In Churches

1. Brasso, Brasso, Brasso.
2. Spring loaded candle holders belong in slapstick comedy not on the altar.
3. The Blood of Christ is actually Tesco Port.
4. There's a sense of a well loved altar cloth if is it is splattered with wax.
5. The best sacristies have the best swear words.
6. Wine in boxes and not bottles.
7. Church halls are the only truly ecumenical things. They all smell the same.
8. For Gods sake swish that cope!
9. Never get the pyromaniacs to carry candles.
10. Coughing as soon as the incense billows out the thurible is an insult to the thrurifer. And psychosomatic.
11. It's both content and presentation on the sermon.
12. Let the kids play with the lectern bible. God won't mind.
13. Old ladies make "edgy" comedians seem tame. Incredibly tame.
14. A job well done is a thurible well swung.
15. "And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda" on Remembrance Sunday. A single singer and a guitar. Will bring the house down.
16. Pull out all the stops. Especially on Easter. It won't kill you.
17. God dislikes twin cities ceremonies.
18. Eucharist in the Third Act. Simple.
19. Diluting Orange Juice, Diluting Orange Juice, Diluting Orange Juice. In every bloody church!
20. Someone put Song Of Songs Chapter 7 Verse 7 in the Liturgy. For the giggles.