20 Things I Have Learned Growing Up In Churches

1. Brasso, Brasso, Brasso.
2. Spring loaded candle holders belong in slapstick comedy not on the altar.
3. The Blood of Christ is actually Tesco Port.
4. There's a sense of a well loved altar cloth if is it is splattered with wax.
5. The best sacristies have the best swear words.
6. Wine in boxes and not bottles.
7. Church halls are the only truly ecumenical things. They all smell the same.
8. For Gods sake swish that cope!
9. Never get the pyromaniacs to carry candles.
10. Coughing as soon as the incense billows out the thurible is an insult to the thrurifer. And psychosomatic.
11. It's both content and presentation on the sermon.
12. Let the kids play with the lectern bible. God won't mind.
13. Old ladies make "edgy" comedians seem tame. Incredibly tame.
14. A job well done is a thurible well swung.
15. "And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda" on Remembrance Sunday. A single singer and a guitar. Will bring the house down.
16. Pull out all the stops. Especially on Easter. It won't kill you.
17. God dislikes twin cities ceremonies.
18. Eucharist in the Third Act. Simple.
19. Diluting Orange Juice, Diluting Orange Juice, Diluting Orange Juice. In every bloody church!
20. Someone put Song Of Songs Chapter 7 Verse 7 in the Liturgy. For the giggles.