20 Things I Have Learned from a Lifetime Reading Comics.

1. British comics have the jump on American comics when it comes to nuttiness.
   
2. There is just something nice about old paper.
   
3. The comics world is like a finely tuned ecosystem. There is a place for all titles. The Beano, 2000 AD, Batman, Fantastic Four, all have their niche.
   
4. A little bit of madness goes a long way.
   
5. Why are there no humour comics for adults?
   
6. Whilst the Golden Age comics may lack "sophistication" they sure belted along.
   
7. Captain Haddock is the most human comic character ever created.
   
8. Frank Miller can not write female characters.
   
9. Alan Moore is not a crazy magician. He, like Bill Hicks has seen through the world & has seen what is worth fighting for.
   
10. There is no British comics scene to speak of.
    
11. Superheroes can never truly die unless they are a second tier character.
    
12. They are the most subversive form of publishing.
    
13. DC nor Marvel seem to publish comics for children.
    
14. The Pulp heroes are sadly missing.
    
15. Female heroes in general are given short shrift.
    
16. Unless they are Power Girl.
    
17. Wonder Woman the most high profile bondage lover in the media.
    
18. Bruce Wayne & Dick Grayson are not gay. I will fight you if you say otherwise.
    
19. "The door of the cage is open Evey. All that you feel is the wind from outside. Don't be afraid"
    
20. It can't all be grim & gritty, the are both light & shadows in life.
    

20 Things I Have Learnt About God

1. You can jump up & down, get angry or even ignore God.
2. But God doesn't go away.
3. God doesn't live in a church.
4. God doesn't live in your house.
   
5. The Bible is a bad idea of God's personality.
6. God can seem nearer when you are drunk.
   
7. This is not true. You are just leaning on God more.
   
8. Accepting God completely gives you one of the most breath taking viewpoints of life.
   
9. God is bigger, smaller more elaborate & simple than you can imagine.
   
10. You put up the barriers between you and God.
    
11. You make the distance between you and God.
    
12. God created huMANkind not huBABYkind.
    
13. Responsibility isn't that daunting once you look it in the eye.
    
14. God is not clichéd.
    
15. God's charge to us is the most difficult thing we can ever do. Without his help.
    
16. God is waiting for you to get over yourself. Hurry up about it.
    
17. God does not permit suffering. We do.
    
18. Omnipotence? Why baby your creation. They will never learn!
    
19. 6 Billion years of careful evolution & we forget to thank God more often than not.
20. God Loves you. No matter what.

20 Things I Have Learned From Having A Mobile Phone

1. It is incredibly useful. Pretty redundant, but incredibly true.
   
2. Texting, whilst an efficient way to communicate, irks my sense of word correctness.
   
3. I could have my phone taken off me & I would be annoyed, but it wouldn't end my life.
   
4. An iPod for music & a phone for texting means I have a nice degree of separation. I like that.
   
5. I see no need for a ring tone. I'm too busy listening to music anyway.
   
6. I wake better at an alert for a text message than the actual alarm.
   
7. It has removed my need for an alarm clock. This shall be rectified next pay day.
   
8. Apparently it's the end of the world if I don't answer the phone.
   
9. A vibrating alert is easier to ignore than a ringing phone.
   
10. NEVER LEAVE YOUR PHONE IN ANOTHER ROOM. IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.
    
11. A text message can have as much emotional significance as a letter. But never the same.
    
12. I get disproportionately irked by when the text says "*some text missing*"
    
13. I often want to chuck it over the bridge of the Kingsway.
    
14. But don't when I realise people may get terribly upset when I don't text back.
    
15. I aim to to text back as soon as I get the message, but I often fail.
    
16. Getting a text when I am working is exciting as I have no idea who it is from.
    
17. Tone gets all muddled in text messages, which is irritating for someone who relies on tone so much in their jokes.
    
18. No matter how good the mobile, the "I'm talking from a mobile" sound is unmistakable.
    
19. I will run out credit about 2 weeks before payday.
    
20. Mobile phones may mean we can communicate faster & better, but it sure as hell doesn't make talking to one and another any easier.
    

20 Things I Learned From Being A Shopping Centre Santa.

1. It's more responsibility than you can imagine.
   
2. There is nothing more joy filling than seeing a child's face break into a large smile upon seeing/hearing the red suited figure.
   
3. It so much more than you in the suit. You are now Santa. Remember that at all times.
   
4. They will pull the beard. By they I mean babies.
   
5. The beard pulls will hurt. More than you expect.
   
6. Something as simple as wishing a passer-by "Merry Christmas" followed by a booming "Ho ho ho" will do more than you expect for them.
   
7. Mothers will hold babies seemingly by the end of their pinky.
   
8. They will give you the baby & you can't find the hand holds.
   
9. Be ready for the curve balls. They usually come from the parents.
   
10. All Santas are the same person. No matter what the difference in height.
    
11. Strangely annoying teenagers don't want to come and sit on Santa's knee. Bizarre.
    
12. Father Christmas? Who is he?
    
13. The sack must be carried on the shoulder at all times.
    
14. The reindeer get skittish inside, that's why they stay on the roof of the shopping centre.
    
15. You can't afford to lag, if you do that's when you will shatter a child's dreams.
    
16. Smile & boom out the "Ho ho ho"s.
    
17. Remember that whatever happens, you have an end time.
    
18. People will hit on your elves. Especially if they are young female elves.
    
19. Landscape not portrait your pillow.
    
20. It's highly rewarding & I would recommend it to anyone.
    

20 Things I Have Learned Since Starting My Ordination Journey

This is probably going to be part. 1. Of several.

I think.

Anyway. Here we go.

WARNING: Naughty words ahead.

1. God chooses you. If you choose God then the whole thing gets better.
   
2. Don't run away. God's call is a bit like a zombie horde. It will catch up and consume you in the end.
   
3. Theology is not formed in text books. It is formed in experience and understanding.
   
4. Insights can be gleaned from anywhere. So keep your eyes sharp.
   
5. God likes sending messengers in unlikely disguises. Mine tend to be geeky guys.
   
6. Toss out the Old Testament. It's only there for the blockbuster moments.
   
7. Toss out most of the New Testament. It's out of context anyway.
8. Stick to the two commandments Jesus gave. If what you do doesn't follow either of them then don't do it.
   
9. If I believed the Bible was the exact and literal word of God; then God would be genocidal, petty, bigoted, jealous child.
   
10. God is none of these things.
    
11. God doesn't like you putting him in a box. God escapes out the corners.
    
12. We have put our own projections on God. Let's get rid of that nasty habit eh?
    
13. Rowan Williams should grow a pair and get the fence post out his arse.
    
14. God spent 6 Billion years getting us to where we are today. Consider that thought for a moment.
    
15. Consecrating a Bishop should be an issue of suitability not sexuality.
    
16. Priest is a dirty word. Let's give it a srping clean.
    
17. The Scottish Episcopal Church needs to stop lying down & taking a good kicking. Let's kick back and show them what we are made of.
    
18. Humour scares people. Especially when it makes them face up to their bigotry.
    
19. There's place for the Church & the Gospel Message in today's society. The Church needs to find it again.
    
20. Forward in Faith = People without enough balls to admit they don't want to be Roman Catholic because they like being married too much.

I don't mean to sound cruel, uncaring and intolerant of bigots, but I am so that's how it comes out.

We are creatures evolved under Gods watchful eye to be loving. We were left a commandment to love by Jesus. How difficult is it not to be consumed by bigotry & predujice?

20 Things I Have Leared In Working In Customer Service.

1. It's all your fault.
   
2. It's not you they are angry at, your just the person on the end of the phone.
   
3. The variable scale of upset. Some people need their retuned.
   
4. Don't Joke. Don't ever joke.
   
5. "They can see you smiling" is a load of rubbish. I can fake it no problem.
   
6. Flowers maketh the day. Lose them and you might as well chuck the whole shebang!
   
7. Look out for those unexpected moments of bonding.
   
8. The calls that come in at 3 minutes before your shift ends are sometimes the most rewarding. Or the tear inducingly petty.
   
9. Be wary of titles.
   
10. Try and assure people that taking things personally is a bad way to go.
    
11. Learn to be omnipotent.
    
12. Learn magic to make deliveries magically appear.
13. Leave sarcasm and irony at the door.
    
14. Let me hear you say "Let's get petty!"
    
15. The customer using bad language is not an invitation for you to use. It's an exclusive club.
    
16. Guard thy sighs.
    
17. Enjoy the little things like a slow computer. It means you'll take less calls before you go home.
    
18. Savour your breaks. Treat them like an escape bunker.
    
19. At the end of your shift burst out the centre with joy!
    
20. Remember you are doing it all again tomorrow!
    

20 Things I Have Learned Growing Up In Churches

1. Brasso, Brasso, Brasso.
2. Spring loaded candle holders belong in slapstick comedy not on the altar.
3. The Blood of Christ is actually Tesco Port.
4. There's a sense of a well loved altar cloth if is it is splattered with wax.
5. The best sacristies have the best swear words.
6. Wine in boxes and not bottles.
7. Church halls are the only truly ecumenical things. They all smell the same.
8. For Gods sake swish that cope!
9. Never get the pyromaniacs to carry candles.
10. Coughing as soon as the incense billows out the thurible is an insult to the thrurifer. And psychosomatic.
11. It's both content and presentation on the sermon.
12. Let the kids play with the lectern bible. God won't mind.
13. Old ladies make "edgy" comedians seem tame. Incredibly tame.
14. A job well done is a thurible well swung.
15. "And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda" on Remembrance Sunday. A single singer and a guitar. Will bring the house down.
16. Pull out all the stops. Especially on Easter. It won't kill you.
17. God dislikes twin cities ceremonies.
18. Eucharist in the Third Act. Simple.
19. Diluting Orange Juice, Diluting Orange Juice, Diluting Orange Juice. In every bloody church!
20. Someone put Song Of Songs Chapter 7 Verse 7 in the Liturgy. For the giggles.